The apostle Paul recognized how the patterns of the world tend to create hierarchies of human worth: “For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of yourself more highly than you ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned” (Romans 12:3 NRSV). Unpacking the groceries is an exercise in sober judgment (we could also call it honest self evaluation or discernment). For some, it may lift them from moral degradation or even dehumanization toward equality; for others, it may chasten their sense of sexual moral superiority.

I began removing items from the grocery bags, cans and boxes relabeled with words such as desire, fantasy, behaviors, relationships, memories, hopes, thoughts, health and marriage. Without meaning to (it seemed), Michelle laughed a little.

“What is it, Michelle?” I asked.

“Well, your groceries are kind of hokey, but other than that, I get it! Just as it’s impossible to judge an entire bag of groceries, it’s impossible to make a blanket statement about a person’s sexuality. It’s better to consider the specific parts of our sexualities and deal with them one by one.”

“Right!” I exclaimed. “And the more seriously we take the specifics, the less we even need the bags.”

For any given person in any given season of life, various elements of sexuality or clusters of elements may be placid, others active, and others troubled or even tormented. Viewed from the sexual identity perspective, a Christian “heterosexual” may seem to have godly sexuality. When their sexuality is unpacked, however, there may be important areas for healing or growth. The blanket statement that “heterosexuality is good” may even hinder this person from facing sexual struggles. On the flip side, in conservative settings a Christian “homosexual” may be written off as sinful or defective, though this person may have maturity and health in their sexuality that could benefit others.

Groceries can’t be carried home one by one; at some point they need to be put in a bag. Similarly, the many elements of our human sexuality get gathered up—but they don’t need to be separated into sexual identity categories; in my class exercise, the items in the “heterosexual” bag are identical to those in the “homosexual” bag. The elements of sexuality coalesce in our humanity. Sexuality is therefore better approached at the general level of humanity and the specific level of individuality, without the mediating level of sexual identity. We should all carry identical bags labeled “beloved,” from which we unpack the unique elements of our sexual lives. (More on this in chapter five.)

Sexual Holiness

Sexual identity categories offer a shortcut for evaluating sexuality that doesn’t devote proper attention to all the dimensions of human sexuality. It’s the equivalent of buying groceries by the bag, instead of item by item. As a child matures toward food independence, she needs a method for choosing foods. That method may never be explicit, but she might use criteria such as taste, food quality, cost and her unique health concerns. To a certain extent, her choices will be like all other humans; we all need water and a supply of calories balanced between protein, fat, carbohydrates, vitamins and minerals. In other ways, her choices will be unique. She may need to accommodate diabetes or lactose-intolerance, for instance, or may want to gain or lose weight. She might prefer rice over potatoes, or lamb over beef, depending on how she was raised.

Sexual holiness is an approach for making sober judgments about sexuality. In describing sexual holiness, I borrow from the Holiness tradition (since it’s their name, surely they’ve developed a good definition!). John Wesley described holiness as love of God and neighbor, which is Jesus’ description of the greatest commandment (Matthew 22:34-40). Wesleyan theologian Mildred Wynkoop says Wesley’s theology of love was less about systematic or dogmatic conclusions and more about the dynamics of a personal relationship with God: “Holiness is love locked into the True Center, Jesus Christ our Lord. Being ‘true,’ all of the self— and progressively all of life—comes into harmony and wholeness and strength.”1

When distorted, holiness is used as a synonym for morality, when really it’s about being more and more in love with God and with humanity. In the area of sexuality, specifically, sexual morality too easily becomes an idol, whether it’s premarital virginity, marital chastity or heterosexuality. People follow hard after it, measure their worth by it and are sometimes devastated when they offend it. Moreover, Christians teach others to measure their worth by morality rather than by their belovedness. When sexual morality is elevated to an idolatrous place, it diminishes people’s sense of being loved and being able to love, instead of being put in its place by love.

Being a lover, in the fullest sense, is an important part of human sexuality. When we pursue sexual holiness, we seek to give and receive love with God and with other people in and through our sexuality. Love draws us toward morality and right behavior, but it doesn’t demand that we do the right thing for the wrong reason, such as repressing or expressing sexuality in a “Christian” way for fear of hell or for need of approval from other Christians.


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