Practical Implications for the Church
The gospel-based community practices a view of singleness that is contrary to the idolatry of marriage often seen in traditional culture. A gospel-based community acknowledges the truth of 1 Corinthians 7, thereby freeing singles from the shame of being unmarried. It speaks realistically and not sentimentally about marriage. It treats single members as equal partners in the leadership of the church.


THE FREEDOM OF THE SINGLE LIFE

Gospel-based communities will practice a view of singleness that is contrary not only to that of traditional culture but also to that of contemporary culture, which tends to be very cynical about marriage to the extent of fearing it and forgoing it as long as possible. As we have seen, however, the biblical view of marriage is quite favorable and lofty (Eph. 5:21–33). While traditional societies, with their focus on family and children, tend to make an idol out of marriage, contemporary societies, emphasizing personal choice and happiness, tend to make an idol of independence. The traditional motive for marriage was social duty, stability, and status; the contemporary motive for marriage is personal fulfillment. Both of these motives ultimately tend to become idols if the gospel has not changed one’s mind and heart.

We live in a contemporary Western society that idolizes independence and personal fulfillment, and Christian singles are often affected by these cultural values in subtle ways. One major fruit of the contemporary culture is that singles are extremely perfectionistic and impossibly difficult to satisfy as they look at prospective spouses. For example, when contemporary singles say they want “personal fulfillment” in marriage, they usually mean sexual fulfillment (appearance) and material fulfillment (money), not the fulfillment of godly character.

As a result, modern dating can be a crass form of self-merchandising: one must look good and make money if one is to attract a partner.

The Second Theological Purpose of Marriage
While our culture sees the purpose of marriage as personal satisfaction, the Bible says the purpose of marriage is personal sanctification: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless” (Eph. 5:25–27).

According to Scripture, then, marriage is one of the best possible ways to learn about our sins and progress in knowledge of the gospel. We also see that this process of sanctifying marriage requires sacrifice on the part of the spouse. None of this fits into the contemporary view of marriage as personal fulfillment! Instead, as much as possible, contemporary singles desire a partner who has already pulled himself or herself together, one who is low maintenance and does not require a lot of self-sacrifice.

I think it is only fair to say that while there have been many happy exceptions, the Christian community of singles operates in much the same way. Most candidates are automatically eliminated from consideration on the basis of appearance, status, poise, or other superficial factors. What a difference it would make to our dating lives if instead we understood that marriage is a vehicle for helping our spouse become his or her best and sanctified self through sacrificial, selfless service. We are to fall in love with the glorious thing God is doing in our spouse’s life. We become committed to our spouse’s future glory. In a beautiful irony, this view of marriage does provide personal and lasting fulfillment in the long run.

Reasons for Marriage Avoidance in Our Culture
Many sociological explanations exist for why modern singles delay marriage and resist commitment. One reason given is the fact that a large number of young adults are children of divorce, the product of broken families. Another reason is the fact that many Christian singles are relatively new to the Christian faith, and while they were adept at contemporary dating, they begin to realize that Christian dating relationships should be different, more serious and intentional. The seriousness may be rather scary to one who is accustomed to the casual dating and sexual encounters of the modern singles scene.

Still another reason is the fact that some people by temperament highly value individual freedom and autonomy; a disproportionate number of these people live in global cities where they can construct their own lifestyle free from the constraints and expectations of more traditional settings. It is likely that these urban singles have made an idol of personal freedom and feel stifled by any loss of freedom, especially the serious loss of freedom that marriage demands. But the church is called to a different way.


PRACTICAL GUIDANCE FOR SEASONAL MARRIAGE-SEEKING

So how does a Christian single strike a balance between marriage idolatry and marriage avoidance? I suggest this balance is found through what I call “seasonal marriage seeking.” By this I mean that while much of a single’s life can be spent in a relatively passive state of waiting to meet someone and dating for fun, there are certain times when he or she should be deliberately looking for a prospective marriage partner.


BACKGROUND: A BRIEF HISTORY OF DATING

In the United States prior to 1910, young adults engaged in the practice of “calling.” A man asked if he could “call on” a woman; this meant visiting and getting to know her in her home surrounded by her family. Some- time after World War I a new system arose that was loosely termed “going out.” A man would ask a woman to accompany him to a place of entertainment. In her book From Front Porch to Back Seat: Courtship in Twentieth- Century America, Beth Bailey sums up what this change meant, the foremost change being a shift in power from the woman to the man. (17) When “calling,” the man entered an unfamiliar setting in which the woman was at ease and controlled the time, tone, and agenda of their time together. In “going out,” the man gained the power to determine the setting, tone, and agenda.

A second change was a shift in focus from the family to the couple. With calling, the man first entered the woman’s family, and the family had a great deal of control over whom its young adults were seeing and spending time with. With going out, however, the couple gets to know one another with little or no family input. Families have far less information and far less opportunity to counsel regarding the advisability of a relationship.

A third change was the shift in emphasis from assessing character to having a good time. Instead of the qualities that make a person a good mate (faithfulness, steadiness, honesty, responsibility), the desirable qualities became superficial ones like attractiveness, sexual chemistry, and social status.

In the last several years there has been a movement within the Christian community to reject the contemporary system of dating and return to the traditional system of “courting.” (18) This approach, though seemingly noble, is not without its problems. For one thing, it creates a hard-and-fast distinction between traditional society (courtship) and contemporary society (dating) without noting the underlying idolatries at the root of both. Those who wish to return to courting are arbitrarily idealizing just one past phase in human social history. But one might legitimately counter, Why this one particular social practice? Why not go all the way back to arranged marriages?

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