The Single-Minded Christian

by JR Kerr

There are all sorts of shifts taking place in society at present. It seems we are increasingly global, green and urban. We are also increasingly single and this is lasting later and later into life. Now, I am sure this is not surprising to you, but for me it confronted me with some poignant questions.

If our society at large is growing increasingly single how is this translating into our churches? I am not sure about you but I find churches, on the whole, to be some of the most anti-single places on the face of the earth. Seriously, the church might be one of the few places in our world today, outside of family reunions, where single people most fear to tread with the full disclosure of being "a single."

Let's consider the idea for a moment. In churches, we are often quick to find out whether or not someone is married or single. If you are married you get to hang out with the adults. If you are single you get to attend a really bad version of youth group for adults (typically dubbed "singles" as though that is one’s primary identity). Sermons often include illustrations that are family-friendly unless of course it is a challenge for the single to stop the selfishness, grow up and just pick someone already. Then we make statements like, "when you get married" or "when you meet mister right then life will make sense" as though the inevitable conclusion to a good life must end in marriage.

But what if singleness is a legitimate posture in the Kingdom of God?

What if marriage is not the point to life or even the Gospel?

In I Corinthians 7, Paul makes the statement that he wishes "we were as he himself is." He himself is, among many other things, single. Paul is making the case that to be single is preferred in his view of the kingdom, because it affords a single-minded view of the pressing and coming kingdom of God and our role in making a culture that reflects this reality.

There are fewer distractions in the single life, when it is lived properly, and it tells us something about the kingdom of God and the gospel played out in our lives as followers of Christ. In Paul’s view, we are all to live as a single-minded individual's; focused on what the Gospel requires of us as we live out our callings in our families, our churches, our cities, and our workplaces.

Perhaps, one of the most compelling things the church could do to create culture in society today is to offer an alternative community of culture-creators, both single and married, sharing equal status. Imagine a church that settled into its destiny as the community God's kingdom that gives meaning above all other communities and families.

It would be a place where single and married people, alike, find meaning in relationships and deep explanation of their place in this world as cultural creators designed by God for both mission and friendship.

Comments

Kevin Chai

Thank you for this article. As a 41 yr old single male, I fully concur that most churches don't know what to do with single adults, and we are often "segregated" from the rest of the congregation. American Church culture is SO demographically sliced-n-diced... according to race, age, and marital status. I don't believe it's done with deliberate exclusionary or malicious intent, but the (usually) unspoken sense that people feel I haven't "grown up" yet, or that there's something wrong with me, is uncomfortable and baffling.

Some recent experiences:

• I found myself in a conversation with a group of married friends who were discussing their upcoming New Years Eve party which, as it turned out, was a married-couples-only gathering. Since I was in the conversation, they couldn't very well not invite me, but they seemed uncomfortable with a single guy joining the group. Rather than graciously disinviting myself with a "sorry-I've-got-other-plans", I accepted their awkward invitation and we all had a great time in the end.

• I've recently moved to another part of the country and was checking out small groups in a new church I was considering. I found one online that seemed like it may be a good fit; it was the only one in this particular category that was advertised as a "mixed" group of marrieds/singles (all the others were "marrieds only"). So I set up a meeting for coffee with the leader and it came out that the group had evolved to be comprised of just married couples... but he had neglected to update the website database to reflect that. "Well, we're just a group of married people now, so you probably wouldn't like it." To which I responded, "Oh no, that's OK... I like married people." Awkward silence. Though tempted, I bit my tongue rather than follow on with "Do they not like single people???"

I've since found a church where I feel much more accepted as I am(!), and I pray for the day when the Church becomes desegregated... gatherings of believers that are racially/ethnically mixed, multi-generational, where singles are welcome to learn from the life experiences of marrieds — and where marrieds can find value in friendships with singles.

We are not "half-people". Thank you, JR, for affirming this in your post.

Diane Miller

JR.. you are right on with this post!... I was single till I was 40 & was always frustrated by how this scenario manifested itself within church. Part of the issue seems to be culture change & a lack of understanding within the church. The women in my generation bought into the women's movement; so, we all pushed for careers & postponed marriage..I think the same thing is happening with all singles today.. We, even in the church, have bought into an "economic focus", encouraging kids to pursue education before marriage. And, we don't realize how that is manifesting itself with isolation and sexual frustration within young single people..Then, we wonder why they always ask "how far can they go" in a dating relationship..da! The Christian singles rarely feel honored if they live a pure "singles life" because that choice is so counter-cultural within the world; and then, the choice seems counter-cultural for those that have chosen a traditional "marriage-focused" lifestyle within church culture and don't understand extended singleness... Older singles are isolated & economic-focused culture victims, in a sense. We need to take a serious "look" at this within the church... and, your post, is a Great Start!

This article prompted me to ask the following question: If you feel you are called to marriage, how are you supposed to find that right partner? I think it's a great thing to be in a community of believers that are like minded. The previous church I attended was very family oriented and thus did not allow many opportunities to meet other singles. I'm finding that Park does answer this and I have so far connected with many people, both singles and marrieds. We are also taught that it's important to take care of yourself first, serve the Lord, and everything else will take care of itself. But how do you avoid focusing on finding someone when it is simply a desire?

Thank you for your post. It was so nice to hear that other singles felt isolated and excluded in their churches. As a single woman, trying to find a church that didn't treat me like a misfit was incredibly difficult. I wanted people to get to know me before they asked about my marital status. I also became VERY tired of being pigeonholed into the "singles" group at church, almost as if I fraternized with the "marrieds" that my single state would corrupt or tempt others. For heavens sakes people, I'm just a Christian woman looking to make friends, learn and serve. Isn't that why we are all here?

Dan Thomas

We live in a "couples-oriented" world and will continue so until Christ returns to establish His Kingdom and afterwards ( no marriage in Heaven nor is anyone given in marriage ).

Churches are for married people - you aren't married, you are NOT welcome. PERIOD.

Oh, you can come in and have coffee and sit through the service, or be on the "take the trash out" team ( which is headed by a married person !!! ). Enjoy - that's all you get.

To be married or single is YOUR choice. God will back you either way.

I Cor 7 but also PROV 18:22 and PROV 19:14.. Up to you.

MAKE YOUR decision and then pursue it - ignore the church - if you are single, the church will not help you make the transition until alter time and you are paying a fee to the pastor to marry you. Finding a mate and getting to the altar are YOUR tasks - the church willnot help you so don't expect it.

Sad considering how many sermons condemn those fornicating singles but yet church won't help them marry or marry betteer if 2nd + marriage.

Ever wonder why church is mostly married when 49% of US is un-married ???

THAT alone says something bad wrong.

ChristianPundit

The first part of my post is for Diane Miller:

Diane, please realize that not all us older single Christian women intentionally put off marriage to chase after a career - this is a false idea, a myth, I keep seeing raised over and over again on Christian blogs and books about singleness and marriage to try to explain why so many Christian women are not getting married.

I was taught by Christian parents and pastors to trust in God's timing for a spouse and keep praying for one, and in due time, "Mr. Right" would show up. So, I held down a career, while waiting for God to send me a spouse, but it never happened.

I did NOT choose to remain single this long. I wanted to get married, but it never happened.

I mention this because some Christians, especially "marriage mandaters" such as author Debbie Maken, blame people for their prolonged singleness (she and those like her say that prolonged singleness is deliberate due to women chasing after career, while the men prefer to play video games).

Such Christians say if you are single past age 30 to 35, it's your own fault, and that being single this long is a sin (I wish I were kidding, but I am not, they actually believe this nonsense).

I agree with Dan Thoma's post.

Baptist and evangelical churches go on and on about how great marriage is and either ignore singles, or treat them like garbage, but most churches will not lift a finger to help older singles get spouses.

Nor are older singles made to feel like part of a community (such as married couples inviting them over for dinners at their homes or on holidays).

Some Christians and some churches grumble about how church should not be a "meat market," which I find ridiculous. Where else do you want older Christian singles to find a Christian mate - at an ungodly bar? A disco?

All they do is condemn the idea of Christian singles using church as a place to meet a spouse, but they never give us alternatives (except some mention e-Harmony. Dating sites are a joke, the cost money, and there aren't enough single Christian men over 35 years old on them to go around for the single Christian women who apply).

I even have read some blogs and books by older, single Christian authors, who, on the one hand, try to defend older Christian singles from the way we are treated so shabbily by the church, but they too have bought into the "Single Christians should not use church as a way to meet other singles" rhetoric, to shame older singles who still want marriage.

I am not saying I believe that "match making" should be the only service of a church, but I don't see what is "sinful" about it, since the Bible does not condemn it. A church can teach the Gospel in addition to performing other functions for its members.

It's hypocritical and strange how the evangelical churches go on about how great and godly marriage is, but if you are an older single who admits to wanting to get married, they shame you about it, and tell you things like you should just be content in your singlehood, you should think more about serving Jesus and less about wanting marriage, and you're making an idol out of marriage, or repeating the cliches such as "Jesus is all you need!"

The first thing they do when you show up at a new church is either assume you are divorced, or ask you how many kids you have, and the moment you say you have never married and that you have no kids, they lose all interest in you and immediately go on to greet the next person - it's very rude. You get treated like a non-person just because you've never married and don't have a kid.

Christian singles past the age of 30 are treated like trash by the church. And I don't see how volunteering more often at a church (as some suggest) will change all the stereotypes most (married) Christians have against older single Christians.

Darla

Thank you for posting this, JR!! I miss making you your coffee at Starbucks :-)

LOVE LOVE LOVE this post. I agree with everything everyone said ..... "Jesus is all you need"---- should we shoot that back to married people who are struggling with their marriages and feel lonely....?

I had a woman at church come up to congratulate me on landing my dream job and say, "Oh Darla, you almost have everything you need! All you're missing is a husband!" I wanted to punch her. So she has a perfect life because she's a grandmother?

I dropped out of the women's ministry Beth Moore group at my church because they (married women's ministry leaders) put one single in groups of all married women. "So let's introduce ourselves: Hi, I'm Mary, I've been married for 8 years and I have two children." "Hi, I'm Cathy, I've been married for five years and I have two children..." "Hi, I'm Sally and I've been married for 35 years and have 3 children and five grandchildren." Then the inevitable: "I'm Darla; I have a master's degree and I work in the domestic violence field." MOVING ON..... I rarely have a hard time with my singleness until I go to church or a bible study. I get stumbled so badly, I just stop going. I'd really rather just stay home. How sad is that??

I had asked the leaders if I could lead a group of single women for our Beth group and of course they said no. I'd love to ask them to sit in a group for three weeks and never be allowed to discuss their husbands, children or grandchildren. Of course, there would be nothing more to say...

Oh Lord.....help!

Thanks again, JR. :-) God's blessings to you....

Miguel Angel Rodriguez

I am a Christian and I like to meet a single Christian lady who loves much to our Lord Jesus Christ.

Miguel Angel Rodriguez

I am minister of music of the Church "Jesus the Anointed One" and I would like to know some Christian sister, and if you could give me some information or chat to exchange ideas, knowledge etc. talks or garadeceria you much. God

Believer

I am finding that in some megachurches there is an emphsis on

young couples with children and going on the almighty foreign

missions trip. It seems that the powers that be in the churches

think that Jesus said to spread the Gospel to all the world but

not to singles

A Good Man

About 10 years ago I moved to a large Southern city (Nashville) and looked for a good chrcuh to attend. At the time, I was a 42-year old single guy. I joined a church that I liked, but I made a big mistake. I wanted to meet someone.

Church had 2 singles groups. One was mostly for divorced singles. All the activities seemed to be DivorceCare or forums where people (mostly women) hashed out all their anger at their "ex". Since I wasn't married, I had a difficult time relating and was turned off by the anger.

The other singles group was for never-marrieds. Since I was just a year older than the oldest person there, I didn't think there was any harm in trying it. I never asked any woman out, nor even flirted. But over time, the younger men in there started to make comments behind my back that I was there only to pick up a younger woman, and a few of the women were making backhanded statements about how I went to a house party and freaked them out because I was "old". Then a pastor told me that the women coming in from the college group didn't want to come because of my presence and would I please leave?

It was an upper-middle class Southern Baptist church in a wealthy Nashville suburb. It was obvious I didn't fit in. Even in the Men's Ministry the married guys wouldn't treat me with respect and I got left out of a lot of things because I was single. I know because some of them told me, then said it was best to wait to get into that ministry after I was married.

I left, and have pretty much been teaching overseas ever since. But it still hurts to remember, especially since this was the last experience I had in a singles class. Very careful now about where I attend church, and decided no more megchurches for me.

jin

Something is wrong with society today- the kids are sooooo needy of attention. Everyones wants money- and so fixated on themselves verses relationships. It incredible how fixated we are material items- career-and short we forget about God. The importance of love and loving our neighbours. We forget to walk in god shoes that he has designed for us. Family is worthless- relationships are unimportant- sexual immorality is hip. Yeap end times funky-------not. so important to not be this way light a lantern it shitty dark world that we live in. Life love - love is life.- dickens days ahead- please sir can have some more-god will provide for you, but you must walk 100% in his light or at least try to.

jin

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